Breakups, Dating, and Women.

Diaryposting at 4am because I need an outlet!

I’m not a particularly attractive guy. I have a couple things going for me, but overall I’m just not the type of dude that gets lots of attention from women- maybe a 6/10. Despite my inherent mid-ness it seems I’ve always had a girl around, so much so that the distinct eras of my life are easiest to distinguish by remembering who I was with at the time.

Dating is just a weird, thrilling, heart wrenching place to be in. It’s the penultimate challenge for a young man, one that I’ve succeeded and failed in as I’ve grown as a person. Here are some little vignettes from my dating experience in the late 2010s - today:

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At the end of my run with my college girlfriend, I saw a very vindictive, hateful side emerge that made me permanently less trusting of women. Our little 2ish year run had gone down in flames, and so came the passionate screaming matches, bargaining, crying, hugging, and makeup sex. What a time to be alive. Right at the end she threatened to fabricate a story involving my rape or abuse of her. She floated it to our mutual female friends, who “confronted” me about allegedly putting my hands on her. The illusion was only shattered when I pointed out that if I had actually punched her as she claimed, it probably would’ve killed her. The threats of reporting to the school administrators never materialized after that. How terrible that someone I was so intimate and vulnerable with (she took my virginity, among other things) was willing to hurt me in such a way! Watching someone you promised the world to become someone who actively hates you is an awful feeling. The specific jabs about things I confided in her only soured my puppy dog, trusting attitude towards women forever.

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I recently made the mistake of dating a childhood friend, realizing only after things started going down hill that I wasn’t going to be able to pull a friendship out of the charred corpse of our relationship. The thought of losing her involvement in my life was agonizing. I don’t quite know how to process it all. Romantically, I think I’m fine. The issue comes when I see something that reminds me of her (as great friend), only to realize she’s 1000 miles away and I’m not supposed to contact her. Or, wanting to say “just the right thing” only to remember that my comments aren’t welcome anymore. This typically results in my sperging out.

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Watching somebody that was previously so involved in your life choose to leave is so painful. It feels like they’re choosing to die to you in a way, choosing to leave you behind as just a chapter in their own life. You’ll be a collection of ever dimming memories from a time long ago- reduced to a series of selectively preserved flashbacks. The intimacy, the vulnerability, the sharing of passions and secrets, all of it is circling the drain for nothing. What a waste.

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As someone who’s not very attractive, its typically up to me to initiate contact with women instead of the reverse. That’s fine, I’m not really shy and I consider cold approaching to be to my strengths. When the inverse does happen, it makes me feel really strange. The idea that I’m the catch, the target, something worth focusing mental energies into acquiring is just odd. Having a girl approach me at a party, or the gym, or in public, is surreal. So is knowing that my opinion, my feelings matter in the encounter. Watching a girl nervously await my response to something is a feeling words fail to describe, primarily just odd. Odd in the sense of a surprise birthday party I suppose- you’re grateful for all the thought and time that went into setting it up, but also saying to yourself, am I really worth all the effort?

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I always felt like relationships (especially with attractive women) were something that happened to other guys. I was merely an observer, witnessing an oddity of nature for men my age before passing on my way. When women showed interest in me, it took me a long time to understand my role wasn’t to be “the most accommodating nice guy in the Frathouse”. That I was allowed to be hard to get, or annoying on purpose, a bit of a douche, or leaning into clichés by putting myself out there- it all seemed like a game for someone else to play. I told myself I just had to do damage control: be straightforward and respectful, keeping my hands to myself and never doing anything to rock the boat. Only maturity could show me that women don’t even want that. Women want excitement, vigor, even a dash of danger. You can’t “nice guy” your way into captivating a beautiful young woman for very long.

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I didn’t start filtering my words for women until recently. As my most recent relationship went down in flames in a shouting match, I finally told her something to the effect of, “You can replace me with someone else, but you’re going to keep making the same mistakes until you’re 30 and alone, wondering why every man left your life until its too late and you’re used up and nobody wants you anymore.” I savored the impact of that verbal punch landing until I heard a weird squeaking noise. Looking over, I saw her start crying on the floor of our apartment, wrapping her arms around her legs and shaking with the rhythmic wheezing and stuttering of her sobbing. She was perfectly calm, even levelheaded, before that. Seeing that my words did that to somebody I loved immensely bothered me. Even worse was the realization that I couldn’t come to the rescue and console her because I was the reason she was crying. It’s like finding out you’re the villain in the movie. Awful feeling.

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An easy way to tell you’re ugly (or mid like me) is by the reaction of people when they see who it is that you’re dating. My college girlfriend, while a bit crazy, was gorgeous. Nobody that knew her would give her below an 8.5/10- all tastes and preferences aside. As I stated, I am perhaps a 6. Pictures of the both of us together are odd: seeing this beautiful, slender figure with tan skin and stunningly blue eyes standing next to a rather orc-ish fellow of middling appearance. When you’re equally attractive, people will say something like “aww, that’s cute”. When there’s a large discrepancy, you get “damn… she’s gorgeous!” or some joke about me paying her for her services. Of course, its funny because we all share the context of my ugliness and her beauty. In this situation, it was so bad that most people couldn’t even disguise their genuine reaction. Sometimes they’d even look me up and down after, worriedly running mental calculations for how I possibly pulled that off. Something tells me this does not happen often to women.

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I use dating apps now because the risk vs. reward is quite low. For 10 minutes of my time a day, I could meet the woman I spend my life with. I feel like dating apps only reinforce today’s broken dating attention economy. Women go on them not to find potential partners, but to be entertained. All of their little bios are about how they’re effectively standing there with a clipboard, grading your performance. “Just here for the pickup lines”, or “only swiping for your dog”, or “Don’t want to see pictures of dead animals”, garbage of that variety. Men have to fight an arms race to stand out (effectively morphing into YouTube thumbnails), being the most attention grabbing in a sea of suitors. Meanwhile, women sit back and evaluate. The slightest infringement on their tastes (increasingly shaped by porn consumption) gives the dreaded ick. The more women are catered to, the more hyperspecific it gets. I’ve seen videos of women putting profiles on a projector, where men are ignored, unmatched etc. because of the wrong choice of capitalization on a question prompt. One wrong choice of photo, one wrong emoji in a single text, and you’re ghosted. Why? Because there’s 100 other guys behind you waiting to do the right song and dance for a chance at a text back. Why dedicate screen time to you (with your ick inducing imperfections) when she can keep pulling the slot machine lever and maybe find someone who can play the part better?

I will say, however, that men do not know how to run the Hinge, Tinder, or Bumble racket. They’re either putting themselves out there WAY too much, or playing it so safe against the Ick that they are super bland and disinteresting. I know this because I asked one of my dates to see her profile and all the men that are in her feed. Its either “I’m going to be a millionaire CEO by 25” hypebeasts with broccoli top haircuts and Anti Social Social Club merch, or little well-to-do nice guys that introduce themselves with a short introduction paragraph explaining themselves- complete with a LinkedIn approved headshot. Sometimes you get guys that fell for “she let me hit because I’m goofy” and so bend over backwards to come off as funny. Don’t be surprised when you play the jester and everyone takes you for a fool.

As I said before, women don’t want well-to-do nice guys that are respectful and plain. They want the scoundrel archetype. 60 years ago it was the guy on a motorcycle with the leather jacket. Today its the black dude peddling weed with several stints in jail for violent crimes. That gives them a rush, adventure, a dash of danger.

Idk how to end this. Might share more if you guys like it.

Yup.